How are you? is a terrible question.
I don’t blame people for asking it. I ask it myself. But it is not a question designed to get a meaningful outcome.
The expected responses—fine or, if we are performing some rustic charm, good—feel like empty placeholders that let us act out a personal exchange without actually having one. Maybe two people exchange How are you—fines and they’re done.
Answering in any other way requires an elaborate calculus of setting, context, relationship to speaker, level of genuine interest, available time, and risk vs. reward that can be a harrowing burden. The answerer may not know, exactly, how they are, or how to tell you, or even if they should tell you.
How much more gentle and kind a question is How did you do that?
It’s a question that has an answer, an answer that the hearer knows and you do not. It is honest and straightforward and a good way to make friends.
If you admire a thing someone did and ask them how they did it and genuinely want to know, you have moved a warmly intended spotlight onto someone besides yourself. You have done work for them—explicitly telling them a thing they can say that you want to hear. There is still no guarantee that they will want to answer, but you have at least made a quiet low-stakes space for sincerity and trust.
Talking about how people did stuff has been a sheltering nexus of generosity, productivity, and blessedly goofy enthusiasm for me, both in the listening and in the narrating.
For the first few experiments in this space, then, I will imagine that you, a person I do or do not know, have generously asked, How did you do that? And I will practice having the courage and confidence to tell the story, even when the secret other answer is Not as well as I would have liked.
So, coming soon: How I Did Some Things. (Note: this is not remotely the same as me presuming to tell you you how to do some things and may often be quite the opposite.)
Have requests? Let’s see if the commenting tool works.
3 Comments
I’ve been told that the response to “How are you?” varies by country and the fine or good variants may be unique. For example, if you ask a German, you are likely to get a real response, possibly combined with a look of puzzlement that you cared to ask. Personally I’ve been striving to burden people with my own real response when I get this question. Maybe just in a “Hey buddy, you asked for it” sort of quarantine attitude. Maybe in a more generous “we’re all in this together” vibe. Depends on the day.
I like the “how did you do that?”, I’ll have to remember that. I also like questions that uncover how my counterpart and I arrived at the same time and space, such as “How did you hear/learn/discover this-very-interesting-place/food/gagdet?” I find that it has the potential to establish common ground.
I definitely prefer that to “How are you?” I hate perfunctory pleasantries that don’t actually mean anything and this sounds much more genuine and interested/interesting for everyone